As any valuable diary should, the past six years of Writing Privacy often feel like an anthology that connects me vividly with episodes from the past. Even when I re-encounter something from years ago, it’s lucidly brought back to life.
I didn’t always detail everything that was going on back then; it often felt like a show of strength if I could avoid doing so. But every effort has been made to carry as much sincerity and dignity as possible.
All of the negative behaviour I used to absorb would be lovingly carved into something for this place. The perils of loneliness carried a certain charm to their lostness.
This year, things have changed quite radically.
I’m no longer living on my own. For the first time in recent history, I’ve thrived in my working environment and sense a robust career ahead.
Coincidentally (or not), I’ve become more open about things than I ever imagined I could be. I’ve revealed my identity here, for instance, and have largely left the doleful private persona aside.
In the most part, it has felt rewarding. I’ve shared far more about what motivates me than what gets me down.
But what’s also happened is that I’ve started to speak my mind instead of just feebly submitting to what I get told.
I used to get a sadistic sense of satisfaction when I accumulated this sort of brutal evidence, as though it irrefutably proved the ‘enfreakment’ that explained my character. I didn’t always explain where these phrases came from or the context behind them, but it continually justified everything I did and felt, especially relating to my doctoral thesis.
This year, I discovered that I can’t take this treatment any more. I need to fight back.
But I’m not sure that’s any better. Having burnt no fewer than four bridges in the past month, it’s now getting quite concerning.
Suddenly, and unexpectedly, my need to have my say and retain my sovereignty has superseded my need for friends. It’s such a hard balance to find. Is it worth retaining friendships when there’s no communication? Is it worth being argumentative when you could just let things go away quietly?
I think my new environment has profoundly improved my mental state – such that enduring some of the most discourteous and dispiriting behaviour I’ve ever seen (and I have years of examples of it) has not defeated me the way it used to. Instead, it’s changed me.
Now, I fight to have my side of the argument. If you stand me up over both days of a weekend and then tell me by accident that you saw me elsewhere but weren’t going to speak to me, I don’t count that as acceptable.
If you give me a lecture about my masculinity because I don’t take advantage of you, then start dating someone immediately after five months of insisting that you weren’t looking, I don’t count that as acceptable.
Now, the catharsis comes not from paling away quietly and manipulating this discontent into something poetic, but rather from arguing back. It’s not delivered in a nasty way – just calling people out on their behaviour, giving them right of reply but knowing it will never come.
Is that any better, though? I used to think it was more important to be thought of well, regardless of how badly I was viewed in other ways. People probably thought I was pathetic. You could call me worse than rotten, and I’d still thank you for a lovely evening and express my regrets for your inconvenience.
Now, I start the fires. I burn the bridges. In some ways, it feels better; in others, a lot worse. I cannot fathom where the balance is reached.
Tonight, in the latest crossing inferno, I got a dressing down on my negative attitude. I agree with some of what was said, though not all.
But I want to be fair to that opinion here. Say I do have a negative attitude – how do I turn that around? I feel like I’m taking a lot of brutal lessons for doing nothing wrong. I recently did what I thought was one of the most honourable things a man could do, got pilloried for it, and lost a valued friend.
There’s not a lot to be positive about in various aspects of life. In fact, I think I do a remarkable job of not caving in to it and looking for things to be positive about. But what do I know? I can’t seem to do right for doing wrong; then I’m told to believe in myself more. How does that work?
So I ask my readership, in confidence if you prefer, please spare me your thoughts:
Does my ability to burn bridges prove that I’ve turned my life around? Or is it nothing more than a new shade of bad attitude? If I need to change (and it makes sense that I do), what might be a good first step?