Inspired by, and dedicated to, those who didn’t write me off. (And welcome to any students who are looking for information on Marvell and arriving here. Please do contact me if you want any help).
This could be a maelstrom: of sentiments; of changes; of minds and mysteries. Much has changed in recent weeks, with positive challenges and valued rewards. It has been difficult to document it all, and the positivity comes with understandable nervousness and a touch of trepidation.
“The only way is onwards…”
Ideally, we want our lives to lead upwards trajectories. When somebody hits particular heights for themselves, they struggle to contemplate living within or below that potential. That’s the intricate psychology of accomplishment.
My life took such a monumental leap four years ago that when the subsequent falls struck with intent, no amount of trying, support, or soul-searching could arrest the slide, nor console its gravity. And this beautiful little portal came to life, with its artistry, its cadence, and its candour, as sadness drove and inspired my best writing.
I’ve told stories through feelings, and feelings through stories. I’ve read poetry through loneliness, and loneliness through poetry. I’ve discovered Marvell through myself, and myself through Marvell.
Too much longing and loneliness is detrimental, though, however rich the quality of thought they inspire. I’ve needed to become ‘bigger, bolder, badder and better equipped’. So, there’s been a lot of effort this year to engage and push boundaries. But the irrepressible forces of retribution weren’t giving way and pushed back equally hard, presenting scenarios really difficult to accept. Thus, writing became gripped with a foreboding sense of victimhood.
But good fortune eventually would prevail. It all happened very quickly. And out of nowhere (with remarkable irony), there’s a new job, a career prospect, a new contemporary little apartment with lovely views, and a new life of sorts in Leicester. Three years on, then, I’m beginning to reclaim what was lost and appease some of the guilt that has lingered obdurately in that time.
Juggling far more work than I can handle is keeping me occupied for long, long hours, and I have private respect for myself this way. Hence, I’ve wanted this disciplined positivity to secure itself for as long as possible before the temptation resurfaces to dwell on what is missing. That is why this space has needed to be quieter.
“…there is no turning back”
So what else has happened in the last few weeks? A few highlights (some of which deserve more):
- Which4U‘s new editor. I’ve quickly taken to the blog as a means of creativity. This week’s items include the use of the term ‘revolution’ and a sombre piece about happiness. Very ‘K’.
- A return to Geneva in early October to present at the Doctoral Workshop and catch up with special old friends.
- The proceedings collection from the Republic to Restoration conference is going ahead and will be published by Manchester UP.
- A regional weekend workshop for Aegis Quest took place in Leicester, which saw exciting progress.
- A year on from that invincible night, my beloved Alphaville have announced a new album, ‘Strange Attractor’, for 2012/13 and released a promo track, ‘Little Moon for Psychopath’.
As ever, I am eternally grateful to those who check this site for updates despite the low activity; to colleagues and friends; and to those who have the care to try and understand me. I hope that your faith can be repaid, and I’m inspired by you to find the right way forward.
Stars, you are unfortunate, I pity you,
Beautiful as you are, shining in your glory
I lost all memory of you and midnight.